How do make my GF complain less?
Complaints and a couple pics. Anyways.
Hello!!! It’s been a long time since I addressed you and I know it. I think moving to college disrupted every part of my routine, and there are lots of things I haven’t gotten back yet. I’ve been journaling of course, what else would I be doing, but I haven’t been writing the events of the day in my big calendar like I did at home, and I would make a new one, but my printer is not working, and I can’t ask someone to help me fix it because we’re not allowed to have our own printers.
My impression thus far is that I have to do every single thing by myself, which is what everything will be like going forward. Not entirely by myself, but without a lot of the hand-holding I didn’t know I had. I don’t miss high school, I actually do like it here a lot, contrary to my complaining. I just have this lingering thought of Isn’t someone going to tell me what to do? Nobody tells me what to do here. Still, I spend a lot of my days, maybe most of most days, doing things I have to do. I think I used to have this sense that there were some things I’m not supposed to do and therefore could not do, and now I’m the only person who will scold me if I choose them.
I think it’s so funny to realize that now that I can sort of do whatever I want, I get up at the same time every morning and eat oatmeal and play sudoku and do all my homework before it’s due always and get plenty of sleep and go to class on time and go to the radio station on time and write my magazine piece on time and see my friends in a window of time rather than a limitless swath. Still, being self-disciplined makes me think that maybe I actually extremely do not want the kind of job where I would get up and do my morning things and then open up my laptop and read emails and do some editing and type away and somehow that’s my job. Usually when I think about my dream job (which of course I don’t like to do anyways because I, like the guy who said it first, don’t dream of labor) it’s just me doing what I do anyway (write) and getting paid for it. In my mind this “dream job” works like Charlie’s Angels: I am living and then I get a buzz and someone is giving me a mission and then I meet the deadline and then blissfully await the next one. The more I think about this kind of work, the more I start to think that I don’t want it at all. I would much prefer, if possible, not to be self-motivated in that way, to just go into work like a person with a traditional job, and then I’m already out of the house so I run errands on my way home, and I come home and never ever look at a work thing in my house. I don’t think anybody lives like that… this is a fantasy normal-person-job.
Anyways! I have to admit I really miss living in a house in a neighborhood next to a park, so so badly. Right now my bedroom is my office and my closet is also my office and my desk is my kitchen table and my computer is my TV, and my desk chair, when I turn it around, is my couch. I realize now that there is basically no place you can go where the environment is predictable– you never know who’s going to be in the room or if someone will be plunking away at the piano in the lounge or if it will start raining on my computer at the coffee shop like it did last night, the littest Friday night of all time, spent moving around in desperate search of a quietish place to write my essay due by midnight. That was FULLY a beast of my own creation, I’ve known about the essay for like a week and a half, I just had this impassable executive dysfunction about it because my professor gave me this sort of side quest sub-assignment and I realized I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and I found myself in the most disgusting avoidance, watching the Cardi B Hot Ones and buying an acai lemonade and going to dinner and watching a video about the Beatles (???) as the time elapsed closer to the deadline. I ALWAYS have faith that my stuff is gonna get done, because it ALWAYS does, but I’m rarely connected to the fact that I’m the one that has to do it. It just GETS DONE! And it’s done! And it was torturous and I missed many a thing I really wanted to go to yesterday (two is many) and I felt genuinely shameful typing away on a Friday and it was all easily avoidable.
Anyways. I guess another way of being told what to do would be if my actions had consequences, but so far none are forthcoming and so I don’t see any coming down the pipe. It sort of hurts me that my daily routine includes so many things I don’t choose to do, and excludes RUNNING. I think, genuinely, my tirade would be reduced to an afterthought if I was running. However I did go on a really fun hike yesterday, and today at 12 I’m going to Point Reyes for an all day hike!!! I’m as excited for the hike as I am to get a ride in a CAR and listen to music on the radio and look out the window. I miss my car not really because of its ability to take me places, more so because I could go in there, my giant massive Honda, and put on the radio and smell the strawberry air freshener and know peace. I like (no I don’t like) that I can sit here complaining for a couple minutes and write as many words as the very essay that tortured me for a full week.
When you’re a kid you wish you had the freedom of an adult, and now that I sort of have it I feel like I’m misusing it by grocery shopping and eating vegetables. Whenever I’m in my American Studies class I just want to leave and go rollerblading, so badly it makes my legs restless, but I don’t, I just go to my Sociology discussion immediately after and think that maybe I’ll eventually have time. When I write I never think it’s suitable for publication anymore. I feel sort of remotely bitter, and then it gives me this urge to insert all these qualifiers like But college is awesome!!! But then again I think that’s true and I’ll probably think it’s truer after I go hiking.
Please excuse my rampant ingratitude, I too hear the immaturity, I miss writing to you all and I just need to shake out the qualifiers and complaints before I can get back to normal. I’m glad we got to talk, see you soon, take a gander at some photos below if you feel inclined!
Ok bye!
number one grandma training fan here!!! best thing i have ever read, and happy you finished the saul essay
Currently reading this as I procrastinate writing about diegetic sound and other made up things that Scott Saul wants me to have a burning opinion about. Loved this one as an avid complainer and day 1 hater!!!!!