"YOGURT SQUISHERS STRAWBE"

Trader Joe’s run again

I’ve been so unable to construct any kind of shareable thing because to explain how my life now is different from my life at home would require so much context it feels pointless to try.  Have instead a mostly uncensored peek into a note on my iphone entitled Shopping list (it’s in reverse chronological order). 

Bring bags! Get off [bus] at [stop]

Jar of peanut butter 

Meal items like microwaveable stuff

Gogurt for frozen gogurt

5lb bag of cuties

Dried mango 

Cream

Yogurt

Gum

Trader Joe’s run again

Saturday

Now I feel more justified when I go to the store because I’m REFILLING things, not just grabbing at random to create some semblance of a pantry or a fridge or a kitchen. Still I feel like people are looking into my cart at the chocolatey cat cookies and the Trader Joe’s takis and thinking I’m young and I don’t know how to grocery shop. Studying in the library has a twinge of that feeling too, that I’m here because I think I’m supposed to be here, not because I really have to be. But logically my work is worth going to the library to do and my groceries are real food. Partially I feel 16 pretending to be 18, and I wish I was just plainly 16. I feel really excited about the prospect of [thing I applied for] and I’m only superficially considering the possibility that I could not get it. I have a purse and a credit card and I bought jeans online. I take the bus and I have a leather wallet. I called my grandma on my lunch break and I emailed my friends at the end of the month. Still, sometimes before I go to bed and before I’m fully awake, I’m on phantom instagram, on my phone in my mind, which is creepy and I hate it. I’m still deciding how I feel about my phone. For a while I thought that being on my phone in public was ok if I was doing something productive and not ok if I was just scrolling or blocking things out with my headphones. But still nobody talks to each other on the bus. I’ve thought of reading or typing in my phone as a digital version of something virtuous, like reading a book or writing in a journal. Only recently have I remembered that any of these things is removal from my surroundings, and books used to be mindless pleasure too. 

Even flooww 

Hoedown throwdown 

Give me one reason to stay here and I’ll turn right back around

Dried mango

Snacks to eat while studying 

Beverage to be excited to come back to

Cuties

English muffins

Baby carrots 

Gum

Boxers

Q tips

Highlighters

Hand sanitizer 

Cream 

Wipes (face, surface/dish)

Pickles

“Chocolate walks into a bar” date bars or other bars 

Yogurt x2

Coconut granola or other kind

Cuties 

What is a noble pursuit that I can do in 8 minutes before the bus comes. My qualm is that I’ve had no time to think, and this is time to think, and now that I have it I’m like Think about what? When I experience something good i wish I could just take it for what it is, but I’m always like I need to do this AGAIN. Instead of seeing my eye opening philosophy class as something that will stay with me and inform the rest of my life in the way I want it to, I’m resigned to thinking that I should take it again at the end of college to guide my life after college. Even though that would potentially be nice, I’m taking it NOW so there’s no reason for me to pine for the chance to take it again. Taking it now is enough. I Can review the material when I want, and I desperately want myself to, but if it really made an impact on me wouldn’t I keep the knowledge inside? Everything good I want to SAVE instead of just revel in the current possession of it, and it makes me anxious that there are SO many things that I mark for COMING BACK TO LATER. Why do I think they’ll be more valuable later? I am using them now. I do think there’s a place for commonplace books, and the things I choose to accumulate are very telling, but 

NOTHING IS SO HARD AS TO USE THEM! Why am I so hellbent on using them. What would happen if I didn’t use them, didn’t save them, didn’t think This will come in handy but This IS handy, I have this with me, it’s helping me now. Part of it comes from this idea I have that I forget things when I need them. Like last time I went grocery shopping I was like REMEMBER: SHOPPING—> BRING BAGS, but today I left for shopping and that thought was not triggered, even though it’s kind of a logical conclusion. So I guess it is logical to not trust myself to learn (on the first try), and to therefore be unsure whether the cool things I learn will occur to me in the moment. I do have that fear that things don’t occur to me in the moment FREQUENTLY, which is tied up in my memory concerns. Why is my memory so fallible… is it more or less so than everyone else’s? My UNDERSTANDING is to my satisfaction, but my thought—> reaction is not. It’s like I’m trying to pre program myself to react in certain ways (have an idea—> write it down in the moment because I guess I can’t be trusted to remember it.) It makes me really anxious that I have thoughts, and I know I do, but I can’t remember them, OR that I can’t remember who I said things to or where, and that I don’t know if I always had this problem or I just recently developed this concern.

[I was interrupted mid-journal above by the sight of a guy who, though not a celebrity, is famous to ME and I was shocked to see him in the flesh]

Tapping away into my shopping list on the bus! Suffice it to say that I am alive and well and I’m in college now.  My family doesn’t shop at Trader Joe’s so now that I live independently I’m relishing this opportunity to really stick it to the man. I miss you all dearly and I so look forward to when we can see each other again! I can't wait to hear your tales. Byeeeee for now